blank canvas.

as i'm not talking to anyone at the moment, my mind is a bit like.. a blank canvas.
I must say that if i'm honest, i have a lot of thing's running around in my mind.
I thought to myself earlier, I ALWAYS without a doubt, ruin things for myself. Like.. for example. damnit! just got a text. ruined my blank canvas. oh well, i'll continue.I ruin thing's, I've always been brought up to say things how i mean them. To express my feeling's in anything. education, love, friendship.. etc. the thing i always ruin i the 'love' part. most of the time, when i like someone, or think i like them. I get so caught up in a particular moment in time, or something i'll just tell them. and it mostly always ruins it. and it's not true what they say- it does ruin friendships. I hate it aswell, because it kind of turns things awkward i think? I'm not sure what it does, but, it changes. I've had a lush day today actually, woke up pretty early this morning but that was a good thing because it meant I got to go and see my Daddy this morning and see my little sister. got some bad news :/ but i'm thinking positive not going to let anyting get me down.
Also, I find a way of getting attached to someone.
It can only be one person.
But it's get's to me, like I don't have to have feelings for this person, but, even as a really good friend i want to talk to this person 24/7. I think i have some rather funny conversation's with this person and then i'll probably go and ruin it! because i fall too easily. but then i find, once i've 'fallen' it takes me a long time ot get over it. and I'm the type of girl that say's 'yeah, we can be friends' because i'm ALWAYS the one getting blown off. I've only recently had to blow someone off. and it made me feel bad for agess. I didn't know how to say no. but i needed to because, i'm not going to lead someone on. I'm just not like that.
I think i'm going to wait in the future for someone to express there feelings to me. No way am i ruining another friendship for ANYTHING!
I'm exited for fun times ahead if i'm honest i'm just hoping to keep myself busy with friends and i want to have that feeling where you laugh uncontrolably.
My ex got back in contact with me the other day,
it was so weird, it was the first time i've spoken to him without feeling anything toward him it was just like 'hi, hi, you ok? yeah good thanks you? yeah im good thanks, errm you still have my top yeah? yeah i do you want it back? naa it's okay you can keep it, okay thanks.'
put the phone down.
went and got his top.
and threw it in the bin.
felt so good like all the shit he put me through was gone.
brighter note, I'm so happy :D
can't even remember what's written at the top of this blog it's probably a load of shite as usual. but. at least someone reads it ;)
byes x